I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
