textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
