From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I think your dad took our porno
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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