I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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