lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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