guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
