she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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