Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
