I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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