Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
