Joe is yelling at the trees again.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
