It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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