i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
there's paper in my vomit.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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