Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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