Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
