There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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