I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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