You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sext me about skeletons
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
