why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
