im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just had sex on a roof
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
