No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Of course I have a pirate flag
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
