Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
