Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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