On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
