I can tuck mytits in my pants
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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