I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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