I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
