Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
