she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I party with great urgency now.
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