Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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