My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
