i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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