Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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