i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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