I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize