Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
