This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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