i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
