yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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