My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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