Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
