I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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