Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
