How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
