How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
