There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
