Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
