i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
