I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
