highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
