you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
