and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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