Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
