No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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